Desperate Needs
by LeonvonswaggerXD
Summary: Levi and Mr Ral are in a love triangle with Petra and Mr Rals wife.
1. Desperate Needs

It was a chilly Saturday night and Levi was home alone all snuggled up in his Snuggie that his ex-girlfriend bought him that was an XL (haha get it because shes fat) and he was wearing his ex girlfriends pajamas that smelled like her 99c perfume, watching Say Yes To The Dress reruns, specifically the episode where Lori said she had cancer, and all of a sudden he felt empty inside seeing all the other people being engaged. He needed someone to be there with him, a warm father figure. He could only think of one person, and that person was Mr. Ral.

"Levi Ral" he said outloud.

"Levi Ral, Levi Ral, Levi Ral" he repeated as he tried to get used to the sound of the name.

"I'm just gonna do it, I'm not gonna be a pussy anymore!" he whispered so the rest of the football team wouldn't hear him even tho they were all in the welfare house across the street. He grabbed his all black LG G4 that had a Nightwing phone case that had the lock screen of his ex-girlfriends nudes.

"Damn, I love seeing that I open my phone, even though she said she sent it on accident" he said as he licked his lips ever so *slurp* precisely.

Levi unlocked the phone which revealed him home screen which was the little boy that lived next door when he was playing street hockey, and he dialed the phone number that he overheard Mr Ral giving to his daughter.

"911-420-6969" he said out loud as he was anxiously dialling each number with such care and precision. He paced across the room while he was hearing the phone ring.

"Hello?" he heard a soft, shy, comforting voice from the other side

"Hi, um, who is this?" he replied, thinking he got the wrong number

"Um.. it's Petra... Ral... Who is this?" she hesitated

"It's not important who I am, I just want to know the prices of the vegetables from Mr. Rals gracias store" he said as he was stumbling over his words

"Oh um this isn't the phone number to the grocery store... I'm not sure how you got this phone number to begin with"

"Well I found it in the phone book that I have and..." he was saying

"Who even uses a phone book anymore?" she interrupted

"I do, what do you mean, m-me I look b-bad tho" he stuttered

"Well I mean do you want me to pass the phone to my father for him to tell you the prices of the vegetables?" she stated

"Yes please that would be great if you could do that for me" he said as his face lit up with joy

"Alright give me a second" she said as she ran to her father to pass him the phone

"Ral's Hot Veggies, Ral speaking, how may I help you on this fine day" said a familiar voice

"HI MR RAL I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD COME TO MY HOUSE AND GIVE ME TIPS ON HOW TO PREPARE MY VEGETABLES" Levi screamed

"Oh calm down there young bucko, just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm deaf there haha" said Mr Ral in a joking tone

"WELL I MEAN IF YOU COULD COME OVER BECAUSE I NEED VEGETABLES FOR MY FAMILY BBQ ALSO I HEARD YOU'RE GOOD AT BBQING SO PLEASE HELP ME SIR I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR HOT DOGS THEY BRING MY FAMILY TOGETHER" he continued

"But you don't have a family.." Mr Ral said

"Um but I actually have 5 kids with my ex-girlfriend she gave me custody of all of them because her dad didn't know about them" Levi shot back

"Oh what was your ex-girlfriends name?" Mr Ral inquired

"Petra... Ra- oh shit. Um sorry to bother you sir please still come over I need assistance my address is 92 Bond Huber Way" Levi said and quickly hung up the phone

"Oh man I think my fellow football player friends heard me on the phone I better pretend to go to asleep" he said as he fell to the ground pretending to be asleep

*Door knob shakes and he hears a loud knock at the door*

"Hello"

*silence*

"This is Mr Ral"

Levi jumps up from his fake coma and runs to the door and slips on his Coke that he's been drinking to keep up with the Mr Ral diet.

*Levi opens the door quickly, almost hitting himself in the face with the door*

"Hello sir, I see you brought your finest vegetables with you, and your even finer face haha" Levi giggled

"Nice to meet you young chap, but I have a question before we do anything" Mr Ral said

"Yes sir, ask anything" Levi said

Mr Ral leaned in, Levi went red, and Mr Ral sniffed Levi's hair.

"Is that breast milk in your hair little man?" Mr Ral asked

"Sorry I haven't showered, they turned off my hot water since I haven't payed a single tax since 2013, anD WHAT GIVES YOU THE AUDACITY TO CALL ME LITTLE MAN, OLD MAN?" Levi snapped

"Because there's a painting on your wall that says Happy Birthday Little Man, and also because there are turkey handprint drawings hung up on your fridge" Mr Ral responded

"Oh yeah um my uncle gave me that this year for my birthday.. Ignore that he's a cooky old man that escaped from rehab 5 times in a month, I guess they just can't seem to keep him in haha" Levi laughed

"Um so anyways, you said you needed help with the BBQ?" Mr Ral Asked

Levi escorted Mr Ral to the backyard, where the deck was covered in 12 inches of snow. Levi looked at Mr Ral and said

"Hey this snow is 12 inches thick huh.. I bet you wanna know what else is 12 inches" Levi said

"Um.. I think the length of your leg is probably 12 inches" Mr Ral said

"UM NO HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I'M VERY AVERAGE FOR MY AGE I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW MINIONS ARE 3.5 FEET TALL ON AVERAGE AND I AM 5'2 SO I AM TALLER THAN A MINION AND MINIONS HAVE STABLES CAREERS SO I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE A STABLE CAREER TOO, OK?" Levi snapped

Levi opened the screen door to his backyard which was torn in multiple spots from a coyote attack and he led Mr Ral out to the BBQ, which was also covered in snow. Mr Ral opened up the BBQ that appeared to look like it was bought from the Dollar Store, it still even had the tag on it that said $1.50.

"Nice barbecue here son, I bet you manage to grill up a couple mean hot dogs every once in a while" he lied and he tried to pass off his lie by patting Levi on the back and complimenting his white New Balance shoes that had grass stains on them from mowing the lawn.

"Yeah I mean haha sometimes I grill this one really good tomato, it always comes out a little bit chewy but that doesn't mat-" Levi was cut off

"GRANDPA GRANDPA YOU FINALLY CAME BACK HOME!" they heard a high pitched voice scream.

They both whipped around

"GRANDPA I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO LEAVE ME IN THE BOX DOWN THE ROAD, BUT I GUESS I FOUND YOU" the 3 year old said as he was licking the doo doo off his shirt while a booger slid out of his nose and into his mouth

"MMM YUMMY SNACK, IT'S LIKE THE ONE THEY FEED ME AT CHURCH CAMP"

Levi gagged and threw up on Albert

"MMM EVEN YUMMIER SNACK GRANDPA, DID YOU HAVE PORRIDGE TODAY MMMMM" Albert yelled

"No I haven't eaten porridge in 15 years" Levi said

"oH WELL THATS THE ONLY THING THAT I KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE YUMMY YUMMY PORRIDGE IN MY TUM TUM YIM YUM PORRIDGE" Albert continued screaming

"Well..." Mr Ral said

"Should we continue looking at this bad mamma jamma of a grill over here sonny boy?" Mr Ral asked as he opened the grill

"I-is this a rubber duck, Levi?" he asked

"I mean yeah maybe, it just looked really good and I mean it looked pretty believable like it some real duck or something, right?" Levi asked

"No Levi, it's bright yellow" Mr Ral said

"Well it tastes pretty good so succ pp 29 haha ligma" Levi said


	2. Hot dogs and Hot Dads

Levi walked up to Mr Rals door for the family BBQ and rang the door bell.

*ding dong*

Petra opened the door

"Hey there Levi!" she said kindly

"Hey whatever um where's your dad I only came here for him" Levi replied

"He's right behind me cutting up some vegetables from his grocery store haha self promotion am i right guys my dad is so cooky" Petra said

"Yeah ok thanks by the way I loooove your sundress it makes you look like you're pregnant with 5 kids again haha" Levi said

"Woah there slick willie, my Petra always has her head in the textbooks and she would never go sleep around with some stinky boys, but she's growing up to be one real mamma jamma with some junk in the trunk just like her mother so don't go getting any wacky ideas there slugger" Mr Ral laughed

"If you're waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat, 'cause it's gonna be a _really_ long time." Levi answered

"Well I mean we are at the Ral family BBQ so don't worry and i'll whip up some real nice franks on the grill for you in just a minuto there young one" Mr Ral said

As Mr Ral was saying that, Levi noticed a woman walking down the stairs in a similar sundress to Petra, was this woman pregnant too or was it just a bad fashion choice? Levi looked at the woman and said

"Hey I really like your sundress, it really shows off your bump haha" he said as he kneeled down to kiss it

"Well i'm not pregnant but thank you I guess" the mysterious woman answered

"Oh hey there little slugger i'm glad you got to meet my wife of 20 years, Sharon, isn't she just beautiful, that dress really shows off the figure that she gave my little princess haha no incest tho" Mr Ral said

"DAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD" Petra said "STAWP EMBARASSING ME PAWPAW" she continued

"Yeah ok whatever stinky- I mean sweetie- just be quiet so we can continue to make these lil franks haha they almost look like my dick that I used to get your mother pregnant with you teehee" Mr Ral

"Well the franks look pretty small there Mr Ral, are you sure about that?" Levi asked

"Yes they are very small, but that doesn't matter Levi, as long as they taste good haha right Sharon?" Mr Ral winked

**They are now eating the hot dogs**

Levi was eating the delicious county fair award winning hot dogs that Mr Ral prepared as he was turning red and he couldn't take it any more. Levi stood up onto a chair and said

"Excuse me everyone I have an announcement, I disapprove of the wedding between Mr Ral and Sharon and I believe that they should be split up because Sharon is using him for his money I mean look at her she is ugly and Mr Ral would never love anyone who is ugly right, chief?" Levi said

"I mean yeah bye Sharon I guess I never liked you anyways lol you're why Petra is ugly" Mr Ral said

"DAD WHAT THE HELL YOU SAID I WAS ONE REAL MAMMA JAMMA" Petra yelled

"I mean yeah you are but thats only because of me snookums" Mr Ral said


	3. Taco Tuesday

*NOTE the first half will be in all caps because i dont want to change it ok suc my pp 29 guys haha ligma*

LEVI LEFT MR RALS HOUSE HAPPY WITH WHAT HE HAD ACCOMPLISHED WITH THE DIVORCE AND KNOWING MR RAL WOULD NOW BE HIS FORVER, AND HIS EX GIRLFRIEND WOULD BE HIS STEP DAUGHTER. HE TOOK THE BUS HOME EVEN THOUGH HE DIDNT HAVE A BUS PASS BUT THE DRIVER LET HIM ON BECAUSE HE SPOKE SPANISH TO THE DRIVER AND THEY BECAME BURRITO BUDDIES. WHEN LEVI GOT HOME HE CHANGED INTO HIS JAMMIES AND JUMPED ONTO THE BED.

"OH BOY TODAY WAS ONE MAMA JAMMA OF A DAY AM I RIGHT TUCKY?" HE SAID TO HIS DOG WHICH WAS NAMED TUCKER BUT HE CALLED TUCKY BECAUSE HE A COOL KID. LEVI SHORTLY FELL ASLEEP BUT HE HAD FORGOTTEN TO CLOSE HIS CLOSET DOOR, WHICH HE ALWAYS DOES BECAUSE HE KNOWS THERE COULD BE AN IMMIGRANT LIVING IN THERE WITHOUT HIM KNOWING. AFTER A FEW HOURS OF LEVI BEING ASLEEP HE WOKE UP FEELING A PRESENCE ON TOP OF HIM. HIS VISION WAS STILL BLURRY SINCE HE HAD JUST WOKEN UP BUT WHEN HIS VISION BECAME CLEAR HE SAW A SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT POSSIBLY MEXICAN IMMIGRANT SITTING ON TOP OF HIM.

"UM WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" LEVI SAID WHILE REACHING FOR HIS PISTOL BECAUSE HES IN AMERICA.

"LO SIENTO SENOR I WAS CLEANING YOUR HOUSE WITH MY ENCHALADA" THE NOW OBVIOUS MEXICAN IMMIGRAN SAID. "ABUELITA? IS THAT YOU" LEVI SAID STILL HALF ASLEEP.

"NO SENOR IT IS ME RICARDO I WAS IN YOU BAND 3 YEAR AGO BEFORE YOU FELL INTO BANKRUPTCY" RICARDO SAID

"OH RICKYY! I REMMBER YOU!" LEVI SAID.

"NO SENOR IT IS RICARDO I AM THE IMMIGRANY WHO PLAYED THE SPOONS" RICARDO SAIG INSULTED.

"WHATEVER RICKY LETS GO GET SOME TACOS" LEVI SAID FEELING CULTURED WITH HIS HAT THAT HE GOT FROM MANDARIN WHEN IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY THAT SAID MADE HIM LOOK LIKE A RICE FIELD WORKER TAMAKI LOL HAHA POOR.

"Si senor" said Ricardo because he knew that arguing with Levi would only make his blood pressure go higher than it already is because hes very obese please dont make fun

"Wow what are you mexican just speak english for once fatcardo haha got em" Levi said proudly

"Yes I am mexican mr shortkerman jaja" Ricardo shot back

"Whatever lets go get some Tacos because its taco tuesday and tomorrow is waifu wednesday and you're my always waifu ricky rick" Levi said blushing

"Oi man come on you're married to Mr Ralito" Ricardo said

**After taco time**

"Oh man i forgot I had kids I better go check on them in the nonprofit football house that uncle dartz lives in" Levi said

"Good idea senor" Ricardo answered

"I thought I dropped you off at home" Levi said

"I couldn't sleep senor" Ricardo said

"ok just follow me but be quiet because when you walk the ground shakes because you're fat lol" Levi answered

Levi and Ricardo approached the football house where he left all his 9 children so he wouldn't have to pay rent for them but what he didn't know is that something awful had happened to 4 of his 9 children

"Hey Tim, Tom, Tam, Tbm, Tcm, Tem, Tfm, Tgm, Thm, wait why are only 5 of you here? What happened to Tbm, Tcm, Tem, and Tfm?!" Levi said shocked but slightly happy because he knew that he wouldn't have to pay for their half a cereal bar a day

"They went to soccer practice with us but Coach Uncle Dartz said that he wanted to keep them for a little bit and he said he would drive them back in his purple nissan but I dont think he was telling the truth papa wapa!" Tim said quickly

"Aw zoinkies we lost 4 kids" Levi said while smiling

"Um papi wapi cakes why are you smiling?" Tim said

"You'll understand when you have kids which probably won't hapen because you only have half a pee pe son its ok i have the same problem but i had 9 kids so you'll be fine" Levi answered

There was a long pause before anyone even bothered to say anything

"WELL LETS GO SWIMMING GUYS!" Levi screamed

"But paps its 3:33 in the morning?" Tom said

"THEN LETS CALL MATJEW MERCER AND HIS BIRD GREEN CHEEK CONURE" Levi said

"No please dad not again I can't have more sleep paralysis from that frick frackin darn tarnation bird!" Tgm said in tears

Levi gasped

"WHO taught you to speak like that!" Levi shouted

"You did daddy!" Tgm answered

"Well whatever theres a river that they totally don't throw possibly toxic waste in so lets go swimming there and hope your skin doesn't burn off like it did with Ricardo" Levi said

"Sir i'm just fat" Ricardo said

"Yeah whatever ronald" Levi answered as he was running to the river

"LAST ONE THERE IS A ROTTEN FRANK MADE ON A CHEAP GOOD OL GEORGE FOREMAN" Levi yelled as he was running

Ricardo gasped and got on his electric scooter that he stole from Walmart that they give to the fat people

tO BE CONTINUED


End file.
